Jan 3, 2010
Posted by admin on Jan 3, 2010 in Parenting | 0 comments
Have you made parenting mistakes you’d like to correct? And what are you going to do differently starting now? Empowering Parents will be giving away autographed copies of James Lehmans’ groundbreaking new book, Transform Your Problem Child to 10 lucky winners of our first EP contest of 2010.
Just tell us a parenting mistake you’ve made with your child, and an effective technique you’ve started doing (or are planning to start). Send all submissions, 500 words maximum, to editor@empoweringparents.com. Your entries will be read by the EP staff and a qualified Parental Support Line advisor.
The deadline for our contest is midnight, January 18, 2010 and winners will be announced in the January 26, 2010 issue of EP.
P.S. All winning entries will be published in the Empowering Parents blog! (Please note that by submitting your entry, you are agreeing to allow us to publish your submission in Empowering Parents.)
Jan 3, 2010
Posted by admin on Jan 3, 2010 in Parenting | 0 comments
Dear PSL:
My wife and I have very different ideas about parenting. While we try not to fight in front of the kids, it really causes a lot of battles between us. I think a lot of it comes from differences in our upbringing; she didn’t have to follow any rules when she was a kid. I want our children to understand that rules are important; I want them to understand accountability and integrity. I’m always talking to them about these issues – it seems like every day, one of them does something that brings it up. My wife, on the other hand, refuses to follow through with consequences, and she tells me to “lighten up” on the kids. As I said, we try not to argue in front of them, but it’s hard when I tell our kids to stop doing something, and right away, she tells them what they’re doing is no big deal. Is it any surprise who the kids listen to? How can I get my wife to understand that what I’m trying to teach the kids is important?
–Frustrated Dad in PA
Dear Frustrated Dad:
We hear from a lot of parents who have a different parenting style than their partner or their ex. In a way, it’s amazing that two people with very different backgrounds and perspectives can find any common ground at all! And when you are talking about parenting, emotions can certainly run very high. It can be difficult to get children to follow basic household rules when one parent gives a consequence and the other “undoes” it, or tells the kids that they don’t have to listen. It can make you feel like you’re fighting the battle from all sides. In a sense, both of you are right: kids need to be held accountable for their actions, and, focusing on every single behavior can be overwhelming, and can even backfire: kids will tune you right out! The good news is, you and your wife can find a way to work together, even if you have different ideas.
I appreciate that you try not to argue or discuss your parenting differences in front of the children. It is difficult to teach your child to follow one set of rules when he sees those rules up for debate within your own family. Some kids will also learn to play one parent against the other when they know the parents disagree. It’s important to present a united front to your children when it comes to basic household rules. If you find it difficult to remain calm in front of the kids, try to give yourself an “out”: if you disagree with something your partner is doing, you might say “I’d like to talk about this together before we give our daughter our decision.”
Once you are able to discuss the situation away from the kids, it’s tempting to get into an argument about why your way is better than your spouse’s way – that’s understandable, but unlikely to help solve the issue. I bet you and your partner have argued these points a million times, and so far, no one has “won.” Rather than argue about whose style is right and whose is wrong, you might see if you can find a place of agreement. You may be surprised to find that you do actually have places you agree! It may take awhile, but there is always a place of agreement, especially when you focus on specific behaviors rather than broad concepts. For example: while you might argue about whether sharing should be mandatory because it promotes goodwill toward others, both of you likely agree that the kids should not take or destroy other peoples’ things, and if they borrow an item, they need to return it in good shape. That means there would be a rule in your home that no one takes or destroys something that belongs to another, and if they break something, they are responsible for fixing or replacing it. Decide together what the consequences will be if the kids break those rules. If one of you feels you cannot follow through with the consequences, maybe you can agree to at least not “undo” the consequences the other parent enforces, and agree to not argue about your differences in front of the kids.
As far as feeling like you are constantly talking about broad issues like accountability and integrity, remember that kids’ brains function far more concretely than adult brains. So, while having family discussions about abstract terms like responsibility and integrity are important, those discussions rarely result in concrete changes in behavior – the kids may understand it while you’re talking, but fail to put the principles into action later! You are far more likely to see changes when you focus on a couple of behaviors at a time, working with your kids to solve their problems in more appropriate ways. I don’t mean to suggest that these discussions aren’t important – they are. Family discussions – especially when they involve respectful disagreement – help to develop beliefs about the world and how we care for ourselves and others. It is in these discussions that you and your partner can role model how to voice your opinion without cutting down or degrading an opposing opinion. Just remember that discussions like these, in and of themselves, do not tend to lead to changes in behavior. For that, you and your partner need to find that place of agreement, and follow through with what you’ve planned.
I want to clarify that the suggestions given above apply to simple differences in parenting. If you feel that your partner is abusive – verbally, physically, or emotionally to you or your children, please seek out professional resources and support in your local area. If you are trying to teach your children to act appropriately and respectfully, but your partner calls the children names or threatens violence, none of your rules and consequences are likely to be effective: kids watch what you do, not what you say. And remember, there is no excuse for abuse – from anyone in your family. Please contact your local community mental health center or parenting network for support. If you find yourself unable to control your own temper, you might also check out James’ article, Temper, Temper: Keeping Your Cool When Kids Push Your Buttons.
For more on parenting differences, you might check out: Differences in Parenting? How Your Child May Be Using it Against You, and James’ new program, Two Parents, One Plan.
Good luck, and please keep in touch and let us know how it goes!
–Megan
Megan Devine is a writer and Parental Support Line Advisor for the Total Transformation Program.
Jan 3, 2010
Posted by admin on Jan 3, 2010 in Parenting | 0 comments
2009 saw controversy and more controversy when it came to parenting, from reality T.V. scandals like Balloon Boy, the Gosselins and Octomom to parents’ worries about Sexting, texting and kids’ online activities in general. We’re also glad to see that our resident ADHD/ADD expert Dr. Bob Myers’ insightful advice is again a big hit with our readers, as are Dr. Joan’s “tell-it-like-it-is” blog posts filled with useful tips and encouragement. Many of our Parent Bloggers are also in the top ten this year, and we’d like to take this opportunity to thank them once again for all their hard work—we’re both proud and humbled to have such talented and dedicated parents blogging for us.
We hope you’ll enjoy this virtual trip down memory lane as you read about the issues that grabbed EP readers most in 2009. Thanks again for reading, and as always, please let us know what’s on your mind—and what you’d like to see us cover next!
–Elisabeth Wilkins, EP Editor
P.S. Remember, we’re all in this together. Every comment you leave on EP truly has the potential to touch or help another parent out there. So thank you for reading–we’re grateful to have you here with us in our judgment-free parenting zone.
EP’s Top Ten Blog Posts of 2009
10. Parenting Mistakes I Have Made (and Why Natural Consequences are the Key to Changing Your Child’s Behavior) by Kemuel Ronis, Parent Blogger
9. Octomom: 6 Was Not Enough by Elisabeth Wilkins, EP Editor
8. Parenting an ADHD/ADD Child: 10 Ways to Help Their Behavior Improve by Dr. Bob Myers
7. Sibling Fighting, Backtalk and Yelling–It Must be Summer by Dr. Joan Munson
6. Working Through the Total Transformation: One Mom Tries to Deal with Her Son’s Disrespect and Backtalk by Lola Howle, Parent Blogger
5. Is Your Child Sexting Nude Photos? Surprise! 1 in 5 Have Tried It by Elisabeth Wilkins, EP Editor
4. When Your Teen Says, “I’m Almost 18–You Can’t Tell Me What to Do!” by Megan Devine, Parental Support Line Advisor
3. How I Stood My Ground (Eventually) in the Face of My Daughter’s Negotiating by Parent Blogger Kathy Pride
2. How to Talk to the Demanding Child: 12 Tips to Use Right Away by Parent Blogger Scott Wardell
And our top post of 2009?
1. How to Help Kids with ADHD Stay on Track in School (and Improve Their Academic Performance!) by Dr. Bob Myers
Please let us know which posts and articles on EP resonated most with you–we’d love to hear your opinion!
Jan 3, 2010
Posted by admin on Jan 3, 2010 in Parenting | 0 comments
Anyone who grew up watching Little House on the Prairie remembers the show where the Ingalls children find a tin cup, a peppermint stick and a shiny penny under the tree in the cold log cabin in Minnesota. In flapping night dresses and sleep bonnets they dance merrily around the fire as Pa plays his fiddle. Laura and Mary don’t necessarily love the plain tin cups, but they feel special knowing the cups mean they don’t have to share anymore. The intrinsic value goes far beyond the cost of the tin.
Things have not changed all that much from those pioneer days.
No one is taking the wagon to town for midnight shopping, but every mother is keenly aware of the traditions that make the holiday special for children. We will work creatively, perhaps starting before the snow flies, to find the best deals and coordinate with Grandmas and relatives to get the gift under the tree that makes her child’s eyes sparkle. We give to let them know their wants are valid even if our child’s wants seem so trivial compared to an adult’s needs.
Most parents put every effort into making holiday wishes come true – if only for one morning – because we know that in the grand scheme of life, putting a special request under the tree is a lot easier than doing almost anything else for our children.
We cannot always protect them from illness and disease.
We cannot take away debilitating psychological or genetic challenges.
We cannot make other children accept them as they are, or fabricate a life-long friendship where there is none.
We cannot buy our way out of medical debt, sometimes we cannot pay the mortgage, and sometimes we have to move in with Uncle Ed.
We cannot hand over our confidence to our teenage daughters or grant passing grades to our hard working students.
We cannot guarantee safe passage through dangerous streets, protect them from hateful words that they will hear or keep them safe from unpredictable circumstances.
But at the end of each year, parents listen closely to a child’s material requests and commit to memory each list of wishes written in crooked but hopeful handwriting. We are grateful for all the good things and hope that our efforts strike a bargain to keep things as good as they are, keenly aware that even if circumstances are bad, they can always be worse.
We creatively work to give our children good holiday memories, sometimes calling in favors, maybe working an extra job, trading our time for someone else’s talents, blatantly robbing Peter to pay Paul and making New Year’s resolutions all about balancing the checkbook and learning to simplify.
For now, we will live in the moment and try to buy some time for our children so they can remain innocent and unaware of the grown up stuff, all the unforeseen challenges that they will have to deal with all too soon.
Moms and Dads shelter them for a little while longer, taking seriously the job of protecting the wonder of the season, this granting of tangible wishes, this material miracle-making, hoping to never be asked to put in a pretty box the things parents cannot procure in a midnight run to Walmart.
Annita Woz is the mother of three, writer and Parent Blogger for Empowering Parents.
Jan 3, 2010
Posted by admin on Jan 3, 2010 in Parenting | 0 comments
I read some wonderful research years ago (which I would credit if I could remember the author), that said parenting is so tough because you have to first create the idea in your child’s head that “Mommy and I are one” (sorry, child-rearing guys!), to give your child a sense of safety, and then, as the child matures, you create the idea in their heads that they are separate entities that must go out and create their own lives in the world and be masters of their own destinies.
My husband Kemuel and I each had to be both a mom and dad to our kids, so we know first-hand that these are totally different mind-states to create in your kids’ heads. Fortunately, this is a really age-related task, so you have years to move from “Mommy and I are one” to “I must kill my father to take my own place in the world” (with apologies to Oedipus!) It’s a blend, and like mixing coffees or cocktails, sometimes you need more of one, and sometimes you need more of the other.
Specific things we’ve done in this area? Well, when my daughter was young, after we finished our bedtime ritual of reading a story together and lying in bed while “A Child’s Gift of Lullabies” played (I can’t hear that CD without feeling I should find a flat surface to lie down on immediately), I would kiss her and say good night and leave the room. If she came downstairs later, I would tell her, “The Mommy shop is closed.” She needed to know that I had other things to do when she went to bed. (Things like paying bills, doing household chores, and getting ready for work the next day.) I really believe kids need to know that Mommies and Daddies are not endlessly available. After a few repetitions, she got the message and gave it up. (Of course, this is barring true emergencies – but even along those lines, on a funnier note, when the kids were teenagers, we told them that when my husband and I were in our bedroom and the door was shut, they were NOT to knock unless a) the house was on fire, and b) they had already tried to put it out and couldn’t! One of our children knocked on our door one night after it was closed, and when we asked, “Is the house on fire?” (it wasn’t), slunk away with her permission slip unsigned. She got a great lesson in explaining to her teacher why she didn’t have the slip—and learned how to budget her time better to create the outcome she wanted (going on the trip).
WHAT DOES YOUR CHILD NEED NOW? A) A GREATER SENSE OF CONNECTION, OR B) MORE ENCOURAGEMENT FOR INDEPENDENCE?
Linda Falcao is a mother, attorney, founder of the youth volunteer organization www.americaserves.net and parent blogger for EP. To read more about Linda and our other contributors, click here.
